Photos

the kids with their Great-Grandma

2010-07-20T15:24:00.001-05:00

the kids with their Great-Grandma, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

This picture was taken last summer. My grandma passed away almost two weeks ago, 8 days shy of her 96th birthday. I'm so glad that my kids got to meet their great grandmother and enjoy her smile. They'll never know her the way I know her. I loved my summer visits in Kentucky. I loved them even more once there was an indoor toilet and shower. :)

Julia went with me and Sean to the funeral. I adored watching her pick wildflowers during the graveside service. I'm pretty sure my grandma would have adored it too.

My aunt lives on the property where my grandparents' house still stands (unoccupied and in need of serious work). My daughter was sad that the kittens I played with when I was young were no longer there (I tried to explain it. Several different ways. Didn't work.).

chalk kids

2010-06-23T09:52:00.001-05:00

chalk kids, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

The kids are now 8 and 10. I love that they're still great friends. They play together a lot (and fight a lot too). I'm glad that JW was wearing a dress so that you can tell which chalk outline is the girl one (in case the hands on the hips didn't give it away). :) When I mentioned to JT that he looked like a penguin, he said that he stuck out his hands because he wanted them to show. They are both so stinkin' adorable. Wrapped around their fingers I am. And happy to be so.

Allerton in late October

2009-10-29T09:13:00.001-05:00

Allerton in late October, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I love all of Allerton, and I can't pick a favorite spot to save my life (when have I ever been able to pick a favorite of anything?), but I have a special affinity for the south woods. Not that I've run into a lot of people when hiking on the other side of the river, but I usually only see a couple of people (if any at all) in the south woods. I see more wildlife. The dog can roam free for a bit (shhh . . . don't tell anyone!). Fall in the woods is a wonderful time. The leaves are thick on the ground, but moist enough that it's not a constant crunching sound under your feet.

I love autumn.

Guana: the beach

2009-06-22T09:21:00.001-05:00

the beach, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

This is where we spent our honeymoon: Guana Island in the British Virgin Islands (www.guana.com). I can't imagine anywhere else being more perfect. No TVs, no radio. Just us, hiking, eating, drinking, sleeping, snorkeling, talking, relaxing. I never imagined that I could spend an entire day lounging on a beach, but it turns out I can. (And I can't wait to do it again!) This is where we sat and read, swam, snorkeled and pretty much just lazed while sipping Painkillers and enjoying the peace and stillness that Guana offered up to us.

Showing our respects at Arlington

2009-04-08T08:18:00.001-05:00

Showing our respects at Arlington, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

For spring break we took a road trip to DC. We found ourselves with some extra time one day and went to Arlington National Cemetery. We had already done quite a bit of walking that day so bought tickets for the bus and stood in line waiting for quite a while. Someone (no, no, certainly not me!) got them riled up while waiting and once we got on the bus I turned around to take a picture of Sean and Jasper, on the seat behind me and Julia, and this is the result. Two camera hogs. Sheesh. What, were they raised on a funny farm?

Chained to these loving arms

2009-02-19T08:38:00.003-06:00

If I was a saint I would not cry
If I knew better I'd just get by
If I was a child I wouldn't worry
But all they understand is a poker face
And a winning hand
Go tell it to the jury
Well, now, dreams are not the only stuff of life
I know that well, 'cause I'm lying safe and sound in your
arms tonight
And I'm Chained To These Lovin' Arms
Chained To These Lovin' Arms
Ain't never gonna leave them
(Patty Larkin)

Hey, there

2009-02-17T09:42:00.005-06:00

I haven't been around much, have I? I haven't been taking very many pictures, and I've been busy with wedding and life planning besides. Here are my three favorite people, on New Year's Eve, doing one of my favorite things: reading.

Even though I know better, I tend to measure myself by other people's yardsticks (or however that phrase goes). I've been getting away from such behavior and looking at the three people above helps keep things in perspective. I know what a wonderful life I have, and I'm thankful for it.

p.s. My son is not naked. I don't know why I feel the need to state that, but I do. :)

instant tourettes

2008-12-09T15:26:00.001-06:00

instant tourettes , originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I swear, I'm well coordinated. I hardly ever run into doorways. I almost never trip. I can walk and chew gum at the same time for goodness sake!

Apparently shaving off part of my pinky over the summer wasn't enough. On Friday I cut off part of my thumb while chopping onions.

*sigh*

So, once again, let's count our blessings: the kids were with their dad, the roads weren't icy, the ER wasn't busy, I didn't cut to the bone, the knife was sharp, I just had my tetanus shot in 2005, the ER crew was AWESOME, my rockin' fiance held my hand (my other hand) through the whole thing, the bleeding finally got stopped, the pharmacist who doled out the vicodin put the cap on in the non-child-lock position, and so much more.

And when I asked for a glass of red wine at the ER the doc said that someone could run out to the liquor store. (I held out for the drugs instead. A wise choice, I think.)

Near the Gateway Arch

2008-11-12T07:52:00.001-06:00

Near the Gateway Arch, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

On our recent trip to St. Louis we stopped for a moment, under the beautiful canopy of trees, in their full autumnal colors, to snap this picture.

Julia is being goofy, as she is wont to do, and I'm not sure why she's holding the stick like that or making the face she is, except that it might somehow be related to her being six.

Jasper is hiding behind the tree, pouting that we had to leave the Museum of Westward Expansion early due to his less than stellar behavior.

There you have it: one small, momentary glimpse into fractured family life in America.

Kickapoo

2008-10-20T08:52:00.001-05:00

Kickapoo, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I haven't posted in a while. Mark it up to sheer laziness. The camera hasn't been being picked up as much, I've been busy, *she* started it, there's gum in my hair and, oh, there's a really fun election coming up.

And in the midst of it all, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has decided to take action against the state budget shortfalls by closing some state parks (he's also cutting over 150 jobs at DCFS, and it appears that my employer, a state school, will also be feeling the pinch). The state park closures are, from what I understand, temporary. Temporary or not, it saddens me. I spend a fair amount of time at Kickapoo, one of the parks slated for closing, and will miss stomping through the snow there this coming winter.

This picture was taken by one of my kids when we went there yesterday. Some of the trees were changing, some were already missing all their leaves, and most were still green. The kids love going there. It always amazes me that they can leave behind their electronics, their board games and their books and open their eyes to the beauty that surrounds them. The smells yesterday were wonderful. Wet earth, with fresh, crunchy leaves underfoot, makes for a great day.

oh dear

2008-09-11T18:37:00.001-05:00

oh dear, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

Is this what they're (or is that they'r?) teaching in public schools these days? This is from my son's homework notebook and his third grade class uses it to jot down notes about what they're talking about each day.

School is back in session

2008-08-28T16:10:00.003-05:00

I love this time of year. Not only do I like having more of a routine (I could do without the overcrowded schedule though), but I love seeing the kids really excited about something. Some days it's what they learned or what game they played with their friends, some days it's what they ate for lunch. My son, at 8 1/2 is almost too cool for himself. At least he was trying to be. Then the smiles broke through and he started playing around. The best part of the first day was seeing all the kids who haven't seen one another all summer running up to each other. Any disagreements from last school year have been erased. All they remember is that they're friends.

Hands

2008-07-24T08:28:00.001-05:00

Hands, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

Julia loves to use her new skills that she learned in kindergarten. She's reading books like a champ and writing stories whenever she gets a chance. She finds inspiration in everyday things and also uses stories to express her emotions (like the one she wrote in the middle of a crying fit to explain to me why she was crying. It all goes back to her taking the eggs out of the refrigerator, but that's a whole 'nother story right there.).

I love this story: Your hands can touch. You can use your hands to make a silly face that you can't do by yourself.

remember when. . .

2008-07-05T14:00:00.001-05:00

rainbow, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

a rainbow could change your whole outlook?

This one put a smile on my face earlier this week, but didn't lift the weight off my shoulders. On the plus side, I'm sorta getting used to the weight and starting to think that it's just part of life. The unbearable lightness of being. The weight of living each day as if it's my last is starting to feel like a burden, even though it's just habit now. I realize that most people don't live that way. I certainly didn't live that way for years and years. What I've found that it means to me: not passing by opportunities. That's not just big things. That includes the chances to slow things down and stop to smell the flowers. Except for the short and loud people, I don't really seem to know or be close with anyone else who lives that way.

Call me out. Tell me I'm wrong. Then let's go do something.

Sky time!

2008-06-16T13:23:00.001-05:00

On the way to the drive in, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I love living in an area that still has a drive in movie theatre. It's about a 40 minute drive from my house and when we (me, my love and his dog) went to see a movie on Saturday night I was distracted by the sky. My camera phone doesn't begin to capture how beautiful it was. So many storms have been moving through the area that sunny skies alone are enough to put a smile on my face, but man oh man *this* sky was extra special. The multitude of textures and colors . . . simply awesome.

Mount Hope Cemetery

2008-06-03T09:06:00.001-05:00

cemetery, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

So I had to decide--blog another photo of my kids or another one of a cemetery. How do you like my choice? I snapped this shot with my camera phone while out for a walk in the middle of the day a week or two ago. It was a beautiful day and I wish the camera could have captured more of that.

My kids are probably too young at this point for me to have a conversation about what to do with me when I die (besides having swag bags at the funeral!), but I'm not convinced that I want to be buried somewhere. If that's what they want, they'll get their way. Does anyone out there feel passionately about what happens to their remains after they're gone?

statues at Allerton

2008-05-26T11:25:00.001-05:00

statues, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

By golly, what have I been up to during the past month that I haven't gotten a picture up here? I've taken two trips, sans camera, so no proof except for my memories. I've also been to Allerton a couple of times, including this time with my kids. In the Lost Garden they went through about six different poses pretending to be statues on the bases that remain there. That gives me an idea! Anyone know an artist who makes gargoyles? I'd love to have my kids likenesses that way.

Sweetness

2008-04-25T12:20:00.001-05:00

jasper being ever so gentle with his cousin michael, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

Jasper didn't get a chance to hold his baby cousin the first time we met him. At Julia's birthday party, he finally got his chance! He was so tender with him. When Michael started fussing, Jasper didn't quickly ask if someone could take him. (But when I offered to take him, Jasper quickly took me up on it.) Jasper is amazingly good with younger kids (besides his sister). He will do anything to get his other cousins to laugh--especially if it involves silly dances, falling down, or contorting his face.

I should say, just to be fair to him, that J is good with his little sister. But they are siblings after all.

Happy birthday, my darling six year old

2008-04-15T21:28:00.001-05:00

Allerton, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I'm feeling a little blue today (for various reasons, none of which need to be discussed here) so I went looking for pictures that make me happy. This one makes me happy. The little punk is getting into my camera bag and was caught red-handed. I love that grin.

She left me a message this morning and it brought tears to my eyes. It wasn't so much what she said (although that whole "best mom in the whole world" thing was kinda cool) but that she sounded so *old*. So not five anymore. I thought these things were supposed to be gradual. I thought a birthday was supposed to be pretty much like any other day. Clearly, I was wrong. Chalk this one up to "something new every day."

wink wink

2008-04-11T10:25:00.001-05:00

wink wink
Originally uploaded by Jen!!

There's some controversy over at Flickr these days. Some folks don't like that short videos are now allowed. I'm not certain that I've yet formed a solid opinion about it, but overall I think it's kind of cool. It means that if I have a video of under 90 seconds that I want to share I'll be able to do it in the same place as where I share my pictures. Makes good sense to me.

Little Hope Cemetery

2008-04-03T08:53:00.001-05:00

, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

The first time I saw the sign was while I was driving by and, in between laughing fits, was kind of hoping that I had read it wrong. The next time, I stopped to take a picture, and felt kind of crappy about it since there were people there visiting a loved one.

But I still find it amusing.

Go caving!

2008-03-21T08:24:00.001-05:00

cave tour, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I guess I have been in a cave before--the wide mouth kinds where you can walk in a little bit and poke around. The ones like the cave on Gilligan's island. The one with the HUGE spider. Remember? Anyhow, I'd never been fully underground in a cave until earlier this week when we (me & that wonderful man I'm dating & his new dog--she didn't get to go into the cave) went down to Kentucky to Mammoth Cave National Park. The picture is a small patch of green limestone from part of the tour (over 500 stairs included, no extra charge). I didn't use the flash on the camera and was pleasantly surprised to see that the green coloring actually came through in the picture. I enjoyed the area so much that I want to go back again sometime soon and take my kids.

Fu Dog Garden

2008-03-13T08:39:00.001-05:00

Fu Dog Garden, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I've been a little under the weather (okay, really sick for a few days, then just puny for a few days after that) and now I'm feeling better but haven't been out doing anything while my camera was in tow.

I've said before how much I love the outdoors and how much I love getting outside with the kids. So when I suggested to my kids that we head to Kickapoo, and they countered with "that place with the dog statues," how could I resist? So to Allerton we went two weeks ago. The day was gorgeous. We sloshed through the mud and snow and puddles and had a jolly good outdoorsy time.

I hope to have more posts soon with recent pictures OR maybe in honor of my recent Facebook re-acquaintance with friends from college, I'll dig up old pictures, scan them and post another memory or two here.

Cookie Monster

2008-03-02T10:23:00.001-06:00

Cookie Monster, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I commented to Julia how I liked that he was riding a skateboard, and she said, "MOM! That's not exactly right. See, he was walking down the hill when he tripped and landed on his tummy on the skateboard. Then he stood up on it and rode it the rest of the way down." Or something like that. To hear her tell it, it was quite dramatic. I hung on every word she was saying. She's an awesome story teller. I also love the googly eyes and that he has a thought bubble of a cookie, even though he's already in possession of a cookie.

another memory

2008-02-26T14:43:00.004-06:00

When I lived in New Jersey, and worked in NY, the bus I took went over the Raritan river right before pulling off onto Exit 9 (shout out to all y'all who understand what that means). At one point, I was regularly catching a bus that, when running on time, would cross over the river in time for me to see the rowing teams. I'm guessing that they were from Rutgers, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, it was always a wonderful sight to see and I always tried to sit on the right-hand side of the bus so that I could watch them for the brief seconds before they were out of sight.

This warm memory was brought up for me recently when I watched a movie with rowing in it (a very small part of the movie, mind you) that a friend had loaned me. This picture isn't mine, I found it on the Rutgers website. The article is from 2004, so it could even be that this is one of the people I used to gaze at.

There was also an old abandoned riverboat on the other side of the bridge--I always enjoyed seeing that one on my ride in to the city, especially on foggy mornings.

Me, bar coded

2008-02-20T10:16:00.002-06:00

When I created the bar code (here), it was created with actual numbers and stuff there. When I downloaded it, imagine my surprise when I found out that I'm a big zero.

Achoo

2008-02-13T15:46:00.003-06:00

Julia woke up this morning feeling kinda out of it. Everything she said was in a pathetic, almost whiny, voice. "I didn't get much sleep at all last night because of all the noise." Noise? Huh? "I don't feel like eating my oatmeal." "I don't feel good." Her forehead didn't feel warm to me, but her cheeks were all red and she clearly wasn't feeling well. I took her brother to school, came home and took her temperature. Wowzers. One ear said 102.2, the other ear said she was over 103. Motrin took care of that in fairly quick order. Then she took a long nap after lunch. Now? Now she looks like this, curled up on the sofa watching the pinnacle of intellectual kid fare, Bratz Babies. Sigh.Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'm a little worried that she won't be able to go to school to be with her friends tomorrow. I, of course, want her to feel better, but she loves these sorts of holidays. She's a very generous kid. We'll see.

Today is your lucky day

2008-02-11T09:54:00.000-06:00

You know. If there's anything you wanted to ask me where I had to be totally honest when answering it. Oh wait. I'm (almost) always totally honest.

love this

2008-02-08T08:59:00.000-06:00

Snow!

2008-02-01T14:01:00.000-06:00

This morning I was out shoveling with my daughter when she turned to me and said, "mommy, when you were little like me, did you love snow like I do?" I said, "I did. I still love snow." "Then why are you shoveling it?" asked the sweet little one. Then the boy came out and grabbed his shovel and actually worked quite hard to clear some snow.When they're not busy frustrating me (and that's all about me, not them. of course.), these darling short and loud people make me gosh darn happy.

Wishing Well

2008-01-30T08:14:00.001-06:00

wishing well, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

Some things don't make any sense to me. Like myself (for instance). I'm a fairly logical person, which is to say that I like things that I can wrap my mind around. Like quantum mechanics (for a ridiculous example). On the other hand, I believe, or maybe just want to believe in things that are significantly less tangible. Like tossing a coin into a wishing well, wishing on the first star, knocking on wood, and, yes, reading my horoscope. I wouldn't say that I put great stock into any of these things and it amuses me that I partake in them at all. Like I said, it doesn't make sense to me. So when my son (8 yrs.) asked me the other day if ghosts are real, I went with a Santa Claus-ish response: I've never seen a ghost, but I believe in them. Why do I believe in them?! I don't get it. Was there a ghost on Fantasy Island or the Love Boat? That would tie this whole thing together nicely if I could blame it on influences from my youth.

Memories

2008-01-28T13:36:00.001-06:00

Watching Ruby Dee win a SAG award last night brought back a lot of great memories for me. While I was working for the Ensemble Studio Theatre in New York, I had the most wonderful opportunity and experience, made possible by a great director and a fellow Brooklyn College student, Woodie King, Jr. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis, in celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary, decided to host a gala party to celebrate and raise money for theatres in NY that had supported them early in their careers and/or ones that were supporting the careers of African-Americans. Beyond the great bodies of work produced by both Ruby and Ossie (um, that's Ms. Dee and Mr. Davis to me), what's the thing that caught my attention? Them. Married for 50 years. Wow. The partnership that was there. The love. This wasn't a couple who ribbed each other and "jokingly" complained about marriage. I really want to write more about what it all felt like and what it means to be and why it's significant, but it seems like I've talked about it elsewhere, and it's certainly something that I can express better in person than here.

So here's me with Ruby, Ossie and some of the most fantastic people working in theatre in NY in the 1990's.

Lake of the Woods

2008-01-26T16:59:00.001-06:00

family, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

The problem I have (the only one, for sure), is that no matter where I go to find a private space for myself, I always end up thinking that, whatever place it is, it would be so much better if someone were there to share it with me.

Today I toyed with the idea of taking the kids swimming or ice skating. Clearly I ditched both of these ideas and instead took them out to a nearby forest preserve that I occasionally "get away" to. Behind us is a small pond, where last week I could look through the frozen ice and see the koi swimming around. The kids didn't get to see that today since there was a dusting of snow over the ice. Instead, the kids made snow angels, drew pictures of hearts in the snow, threw snowballs onto the pond, and had an all around great time.

Maybe this lack of a place that I can escape to isn't so much of a problem. I guess I'll have to whisk together another problem. (Which reminds me, I need to start prepping dinner.)

It's not Friday

2008-01-24T09:40:00.000-06:00

The problem with holidays, and three day weekends in general, is that I get really confused about what day it is.

Thank you

2008-01-23T20:18:00.000-06:00

So while I deal with the fly in the ointment, I want to thank all my friends. Thanks for listening, for sharing, for. . .well. . .for being a friend. You are all wonderful. So, now, off to that ointment thingee. Or dead fly on the fake flowers thingee. Whatever.

The sun is shining!

2008-01-21T14:23:00.001-06:00

Okay, so it's still really cold out, but the sun is shining, the sky is blue and life is good. And I haven't gotten a gosh darn thing done today except for enjoying the little things. Nothing has gotten crossed off the to do list. I haven't even glanced at the to do list. All of it will have to wait.

Baby, it's cold outside

2008-01-20T16:40:00.001-06:00

brrr, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

and it's feeling a little cold inside too

"Then in a moment my head starts spinning
Around in a circle no end or beginning
And just when I think that the whole world's turning
I open my eyes and discover that life is just
Burning down but this man stands his ground
For when there's nothing left I'll fight for every breath"

Crossing lines?

2008-01-16T08:25:00.001-06:00

While we were on vacation we ended up eating three times at Benjamin's, a small local place. (If you're ever in Rockville, Indiana, they're on 36, on the left about 1/2 a mile past the courthouse while heading east. The parking lot is wickedly muddy after a snow thaw or 5 inches of rain, so be smart (not like me) and don't wear your good black leather boots.) The last time we ate there I took nine pictures of Sean with my camera phone. I don't know what possessed me to do such a thing.

What occurs to me now, with time to reflect on it, is this: since I have no idea why I did it, what was he thinking? "c'mon, cut that shit out already. I weary of you, wench." or maybe "sheesh. what's your emotional age? three?" or perhaps "wow, I can't believe that this totally hot woman wants so many pictures of little old me." Tee hee. I'd like to believe that it's the last one. (aside: I am quietly laughing to myself. I can't believe that I actually just typed that. Me. Hot. Totally hot. Ha ha ha.) But I fear that it's one of the first two.

HA

2008-01-09T19:16:00.000-06:00

So upon returning today from a few days of vacation in the covered bridge capital of the world, also known as Parke County, Indiana, what's the first thing I shoulda done? Take a nap, of course. Oh wait. That's not it. That's just the first thing that I actually did. I didn't need a nap. At least I don't think I needed a nap. But I'm on vacation, you see, so I did it anyway. Then I did uploaded all the pictures. I didn't share this one on flickr. I can't stand my hair in the picture (it was humid, not my usual shampoo, blah blah whine bitch moan), but I LOVE Sean's Superman pose. I can hear the theme music now, can't you?

December, where the days fly by

2007-12-31T15:45:00.000-06:00

I'm not really sure where the whole month has gone, but sure enough it's the end of the month. The end of the year, in fact. This has been a great month. My son turned 8 and had a party at the roller skating rink and no one got hurt! Christmas was full of family time, great food and thoughtful, wonderful presents. I'm taking a week's vacation in January and really looking forward to it. Until then I can look at this picture of my Christmas tree from this year and think of what a great month, and what a great year, it's been.

It's a whirlwind

2007-12-06T12:17:00.001-06:00

I have no clue how it can possibly be December already. One week into December. Where has the year gone? I feel a certain gloominess just thinking about it all. I don't know why it expresses itself that way. The year has been a good one. Maybe it's because I'm behind on so many things, and instead of celebrating all the triumphs of the year my mind is focusing (today at least) on the mile-long list of things that didn't get done. Tomorrow will be better. I know it.

The picture above was taken in my office, while spinning in my chair. It captures the outside world (gray and bright in anticipation of snow) and one of the plants on my windowsill. The picture alone lightens the load.

Thanksgiving visitor

2007-11-27T11:59:00.001-06:00

I should probably post a picture of Sean toiling away in the kitchen making the stuffing, since that more accurately depicts the day (food and whatnot), but I'm still pretty impressed with this little guy.

Forward thinking, looking back

2007-11-14T20:44:00.000-06:00

I took this picture (of my favorite flower, by the bye) with my first digital camera. I was at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. I love so much about my years in Brooklyn and on the East Coast and carry with me so many great memories, large and small.

I've been back in the Midwest for two and a half years and I can't imagine any better place for me right now. There's a lot that goes into that statement, which I won't go into here. I bring it up only to say that as I think about my future, I smile. And as I discover more about my past and misperceptions and whatnot, I smile.

It is, as it used to be said, all good.

When October Goes. . .

2007-11-07T08:46:00.000-06:00

I love autumn. I think I'm repeating myself by saying that, but it's true. It's a wonderful time of year. Pumpkin pie. The crunching of leaves as you stroll along. Fires. Getting all toasty warm one way or another.I wish I had had a real camera with me this morning instead of my camera phone, but I still like the feeling that was captured, even if it's not artistically up to snuff. The brick road, the yellow leaves carpeting the ground. It's a powerful swelling of emotions and I feel spectacularly incapable of expressing said feelings with mere words. Pictures only begin to shed light on it. How to grasp all five senses and express the joy, the melancholy, and all the other myriad aspects of what it means to be touched so deeply by something that I have no control over. There's a psychological study in here somewhere, but I really don't want to take this beautiful feeling and undermine it with comparisons to the other areas of my life where my emotions are so well guarded that even I don't get to experience them. Yarg! This just isn't right.

geeky

2007-11-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

For those people who really know me this won't come as a shock: I'm a geek. Or a nerd. Or whatever word you want to use along those lines. Not the cool, hip kind of nerdiness that some people have going for them. Just your run-of-the-mill kind. I can easily laugh at myself about this, and I frequently find great joy in it.

Related in a geeky/nerdy/Jen-like kind of way: in cleaning up files on my computer I came across this shot, which shows many pictures, taken by others, that I've "favorited" on Flickr.What can we learn about me here? Clearly, I am amused by funny/cute/silly animals. I'm way into nature. What you can't so easily see are the ones that really give insight into me: the ones I favorited not so much for the picture, but for the captions added to them by the photographers. One of the shots is of a cat's face in a hole in the side of a barn. The caption is "let meow-t". Ha ha ha. Ahem. Well, anyhow, I found it funny.

October is wonderful

2007-10-24T20:47:00.001-05:00

pumpkin painting, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

Pumpkinpalooza, year two. Once again, we went with Sheila and her boys and had a blast. The kids got to paint pumpkins, have their faces painted, bowl with a pumpkin, and other various activities. We were there for hours but it seemed to me that it all blew by in a matter of minutes. That's been happening to me a lot recently. Time slips by. Life is good, and whizzing by too fast.

fall, reflected

2007-10-08T10:33:00.001-05:00

fall, reflected, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

I took this yesterday, on my birthday, while at Meadowbrook park on a walk with the kids. If I had been a little bit faster, I might have caught a deer in the reflection as well.

I love autumn. I love the smell of the earth, watching the trees change, and I especially love the weather. Cooler days and chilly nights. Mmmmmmm. Autumn feels like home.

Free Burma

2007-10-04T05:50:00.000-05:00

Free Burma

my two little monsters

2007-09-23T18:12:00.001-05:00

my two little monsters, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

It was such a rainy dreary day earlier this month. I was inspired to clean the garage. The kids, being wiser and funner than I, grabbed their monster umbrellas and headed out into the downpour.

I should have joined them. Stupid responsibility. I shirk so much of it already. I should have shirked more of it that day. The kids were soaked. They were laughing, smiling and having a grand old time. They were singing songs and sitting (yes, sitting!) in puddles. I really should have been there with them.

grapes: ready for harvesting!

2007-09-03T18:48:00.001-05:00

grapes: ready for harvesting!, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

Fun stuff! Today I went to help my colleague, Larry, harvest the grapes in his backyard. He has people over once a year to help and I'm so glad that I scored an invitation. (That's another, only slightly boring, story.) The weather was beautiful--sunny and in the 80s. The wind was blowing just the perfect amount. Larry's wife, Annette, made delicious food (a feast, really) for all of us. And, of course, I was able to sample some wine from past years. Ellen was part of the crew and it's always fun seeing her, as were some other people I recognize, but don't really know, from around the workplace.

Vacation out West

2007-08-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

Devils Tower, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

This shot was taken on the trail around Devils Tower in Wyoming. We got three shots--one with Julia in the middle, one with Jasper in the middle and one with me in the middle. They all turned out really well and it was hard choosing which one to post.

The vacation was grand. The kids were fantastic (except at bedtime--then it turned into a fight over who had what space and who was invading someone else's space and who was hogging all the covers). We saw lots of animals and, thankfully, no rattlesnakes.

We saw Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse and the Badlands. We didn't miss out on Wall Drug and we enjoyed their free water.

The kids got to use my old camera and the video camera. They asked tons of great questions and even the long car rides were a pleasure. We had great conversations about God, Native Americans (and what little I could tell them about their NA heritage), life, people, and good vs. bad.

We splashed in the pool and relaxed in the hot tub. We gave thanks for all the beauty that surrounded us.

I simply don't have the right words to express how much the whole vacation touched me.

enigmas

2007-08-05T20:53:00.001-05:00

jules, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

There are many enigmas in my life right now. This little girl right here, as shown in this picture at least, is a wonderful mystery to me. I will probably never understand all the dimensions that make her who she is. (Aside: I would like to have some basic understanding of myself. Maybe then I'll have further insight into these perplexing people/things in my life.)

Alas, back to the girl. The lip gloss--she was helping me clean out my dresser drawer and helped herself to a generous application of it. The wings--"look at me mommy! I'm a fairy!" The blue suitcase--a gift from my dad and a favorite toy of mine as a kid. The dinosaur--a garage sale treasure from several years ago. The box she's putting the dinosaur into--a homemade teenage mutant ninja turtle box made by Holly and Jasper way back in our NJ days.

at the end of a long day. . .

2007-08-02T20:44:00.001-05:00

at the end of a long day, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

You know that song "The Woman With You"? "Been juggling, struggling, closing big deals. Dancing backwards in high heels. And just when it feels like I can't make it through. . .It sure is nice to just be the woman with you."

The scarecrow gets moved around and this evening I found him on the bench, with his shoulder ready and waiting for me.

It sure is nice. . .

Religion with an attitude

2007-08-01T09:43:00.001-05:00

Religion with an attitude, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

When I saw this bumper sticker, I got to thinking about the type of person who would put it on their car. I'm guessing that it's someone who is spiritually deep. Maybe his friends are not as much so. Maybe he respects their beliefs but was looking for a way to say that his beliefs were just as valid, and maybe, just maybe, he wanted an in-your-face way of saying it. I love it: "I pray. Get used to it." Doesn't leave room for discussion, and isn't that the way it should be? I respect your beliefs. Respect mine.

Quiet time (subtitled: reflection and thankfulness)

2007-07-31T06:57:00.000-05:00

There's an enclosed garden next to the Japan House that I've never wandered through before, in fact, didn't even know it existed until I happened up it's exit gate then worked my way around the outside to find the entrance gate. Said gate: I like the slate welcome mat, the open gates, the foliage. I like it all.

I slowly wandered through, thinking about all the great things in my life. I only snapped a few pictures while I was in there (including several where I was using the timer and trying to grab a pic of myself. Yeah. That didn't go so good, but the outtakes make me laugh.). Not that there wasn't gorgeous scenery to be captured, I was just letting it all wash over me. Every morning I make time to enumerate and give thanks for blessings, large and small, in my life. I do it at other times throughout the day sometimes too, but I think I'd like to incorporate it into my evenings on a more regular basis, just like the morning ritual. It was nice walking through this garden space and letting my mind wander wherever it needed to go. Ultimately, no matter what else might be bothering me, it always seems to end up coming up with the good things in my life. And for that, I am thankful.

Outdoors

2007-07-30T09:30:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I like to spend time outside. When I'm feeling good, when I'm feeling blue, when I'm just "just". Besides being bitten by buggies, what's not to love about the outdoors? I can hike, walk, sit, read, whatever, and simply reflect on all of the things in my life. I've been spreading myself too thin of late. I've been paying a high price for it too. The bright side of it all is that I've forged stronger relationships with some of my friends. The sad side is watching some friendships fade. One of them I'm already missing bunches and one of them isn't bothering me much at all. Strange that. Ultimately, I have no power over these things. It's been a hard lesson, and I typically have a hard time letting go, but I also know that even if I ran after someone, like in those movies that always have happy endings, that it wouldn't turn out that way. So I let people I care for walk away. Isn't that the right thing to do?

Here was one of weekend moments of peace, cut way too short by the buggies.

From Flickr (and a little more)

2007-07-27T07:19:00.000-05:00

Direct from Flickr, photo called "I lied":
Text that goes with it: The optimistic me is the real me. Last night, when I said that things suck I was focused on trees, not the forest. Caught this shot today. My daughter left her sparkly glitter shoes in the living room, where the sun struck them and spread the light everywhere. This is me. I believe in possibilities. I am probably stupidly optimistic, but, honestly, I don't care to change that about myself. Deal with it. :)

The rest of the story: I guess there's not really much more, except to say what I've said elsewhere on the interweb: I have the best friends in the world. You sustain me in broad strokes and small gifts. In big bear hugs and little smiles. In kind words and good advice.

Thank you. I hope that I can somehow repay the favor.

a picture worth a thousand words

2007-07-22T21:15:00.001-05:00

And I really don't know what to say.

Road trips

2007-07-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

Haven't had one of these shots in a while:We were on our way back from the Sugar Creek Arts Festival in Normal. I love this festival. They actually have artists who display oil paintings. Not just one or two, but booth after booth of paintings! I like the other stuff too, but when I'm looking for stuff to put on my walls, I want oil on canvas.

This picture was taken on Route 150. That's right, we took the old road home. I was planning on taking the highway, but it was blocked by police, so I turned around and headed for the two-laner. Found out this morning that the road was blocked because of a tanker truck that had rolled and caught on fire. My sympathy is with the family of the driver, who didn't make it out of the truck. Then I look at my two little angel/hellions, as pictured above, and I want to hold them even closer.

outdoors

2007-07-03T19:03:00.000-05:00

Jasper asked me last week why I go hiking without him and Julia so much. Good question. Julia didn't used to like hiking (three steps into the woods and she would ask how long until we got to the car). She did great last time I took them to Kickapoo in Illinois, so this past Saturday we went to Turkey Run State Park in Indiana. It was wonderful. We hiked for somewhere between 2 1/2 - 3 hours. The kids did great. I was none too smart in that each of us had shorts on instead of long pants. We were fortunate, though. No rashes from the poison ivy or poison oak for any one of us.

I need to do this more often with the kids.

The promise of more

2007-06-21T20:00:00.001-05:00

This blossom will unfold and reveal its beauty over the next 24 hours. There are a couple of things in my life right now that are like this blossom, but these things will take much longer to open up and reveal their beauty. I am patient and can wait. Some people come in to your life and stay forever. Others barely scratch the surface and then move on. Cheers to all that's in my life and to the promise of more to come.

Danger in my backyard

2007-06-18T20:47:00.000-05:00

On Sunday morning I was out watering the backyard garden when a bird flew out of the bushes and was trying to attack my head. I had no clue what was going on, so I squirted him with the hose. I lost track of the baby robin and Jasper came out to help me (if help means playing with his light sabers near me while I water). Then I noticed the robin sitting on the hammock. Pooping on the hammock. And tweeting a whole lot. He stalked me onto the patio, nipping a little too close to my toes for my comfort. Jasper smartly distracted him and got him to come after him. What a great kid. My hero. Okay, maybe he didn't mean to get the robin to come after him, but he did. And he kept the freak bird busy long enough for me to sneak inside to grab my camera. That night I was out front watering my dying plants when a neighbor stopped by to tell me not to be worried, but that there's a robin that some neighbors had been raising since it had fallen out of its nest when it was a baby. She and her family had been feeding it worms and she had seen it eating bugs, so it's doing well. But the warning was so that I wouldn't try to take it to a vet or call animal control to say that there's a wacked bird in the neighborhood. With any luck the bird will stay in the neighborhood--but not attack people when they are least expecting it. :)

Blizzard

2007-06-16T07:06:00.000-05:00

A colleague at work heard me mention getting a pet and told me that she was going to be putting her cat up for adoption. The cat and I met, he was sweet as the dickens, and now he's here with me. My daughter, who has known him for all of about 16 hours, told me this morning that she's not trying to be rude, but she loves him more than she loves me. Because he's so cute. An action shot:

cooking is fun!

2007-06-11T07:15:00.001-05:00

I'm really not certain why I chose to make chili on a hot day--I think maybe I just wanted to have a beer, and since half the bottle goes into the chili, what better excuse?! I used the summer Blue Moon--which has honey and orange peel brewed in (or something like that). It was good--to drink and to cook with. I added chick peas into the chili. Why not regular beans? Dunno. They're all good for you. The chick peas turned out well and the chili was super yummy. I haven't been cooking from scratch much recently and it felt really good last night to do it.

New York

2007-06-03T20:40:00.001-05:00

I can't say that it felt like going home. Illinois is home. It did, however, feel extraordinarily comfortable. It felt like going to a second home, I guess. I didn't really have enough time to do all of the things I wanted--Chinatown, the Village, etc., but I did make it to Central Park. I relaxed in the shade and watched the world go by--one of most very favorite NY pastimes.

Our for a walk

2007-05-27T20:05:00.000-05:00

I was out, walking and chatting, and watching the sidewalk and saw two round spots (old gum?) and a twig and it looked like a little face half-grinning at me. I was going to keep walking then asked if I could stop and go back a few steps to take a quick picture. Here 'tis:I am easily amused.

It's really not all about me

2007-05-22T06:31:00.001-05:00

But sometimes I like the pix I get, and sometimes the reasons why I like them are not the ones that you might think. Like this picture, for instance:It's not just me (although, I do actually like the way I look in this shot), I like that you can see just how bare the office is. Three of us share an office. I am the local office freak. The one with all the colorful shit up all over her tiny work spot. In this picture, you can see one of favorite pieces of art: the Yoda that Jasper colored for me. And, contrary to what he might have seen in the movies, Yoda DOES NOT die. Yoda ROCKS THE FORCE! Anyhow, back to the whole office freak thing. I actually took down several pieces of colorful artwork as I felt like I was monopolizing all the use of color in an otherwise drab area. (But we do have windows now, which has made such a difference. Did you know that the sun shines, at least a little even if it just a glare, every single day? I didn't know that!) Now I keep most of my cool stuff in spots where you have to be in my space to be able to see it.

Not Girlfriend Material

2007-05-19T21:46:00.001-05:00

The tank top isn't meant so much to pass judgment on myself (although I do feel, um, how can I express it? "un-dateable" recently. Not that I'm not worthy, just that I'm not getting that vibe from anyone. But I have always been really slow to pick up on that vibe, so who knows.), it's more my own state of mind. I'm not ready to be girlfriend material to anyone. Or, again, maybe I just haven't met that special someone yet. Or, what if I have met him and I don't know it yet? I can't say this strongly enough--I have always been slow in picking up on these things, or maybe just really slow in believing that someone might really like me. Me?! Little ole me?

Sunshine

2007-05-13T20:45:00.000-05:00

He had early dismissal in the middle of last week, so we got to play a little bit. He's my sunshine (or is that sonshine?). Whatever. He's wonderful. It's hard to believe that he's 7 years old. No one tells you when you have kids that it's a balance of letting go and guiding toward goodness at the same time. He wins. He's awesome. It's not easy, this parenthood thing. And if you get a child that has special needs or a disability or anything out of the ordinary, it's an extra challenge. And I'm thankful for it. He's a joy and a great child and I'm proud to say that I'm his mom. How do some moms make it look so easy? For me it's so much work. Not in a bad way. Or are other people struggling silently and I just don't know?

howling

2007-05-03T16:13:00.000-05:00

I woke up in the middle of the night a few nights ago and saw a light shining into my bathroom. Lo and behold, it was this. . .So, of course, I had to grab the camera to get a few shots of it. The title of this entry is howling, which is kind of what I feel like doing right now. Howl at this moon.

silliness (me, silly? why, I never!)

2007-04-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week at baseball practice, I was playing on nearby playground equipment with Julia. For fun, I decided to do a cartwheel. Then I did another. And another. And my arms didn't break!!!! I don't know how pretty they looked, and judging from this picture (taken today), I'd guess not so pretty. I was out for a walk by myself and a moment of lunacy overtook me and I decided to make my 365/daily picture of myself one of me doing a cartwheel. I'm on my way back down at this point, and had hoped that the timer would go off when I was completely upside down. I laugh when I look at this: my hair, my face, my arms, my shirt, my legs. It all makes me laugh. It all makes me happy. I can't believe that I can still do cartwheels!!!!!

Allerton Park

2007-04-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

If Allerton Park was still a private residence, I think it would be in my top 5 dream houses. The house is huge (which makes no difference to me) it's the woodwork inside, the windows looking outside and the acres and acres of land that turn me on. Ideally, I'd like a house so far removed from everything that I could leave the curtains open all the time and not have a thing to worry about. I could watch the world go by. I could keep up a net to play badminton, have a swimming pool, have room to play, . . . I'm really dreaming here. First of all, it would have to be one heck of a lottery that I would win to make the dream come true. And if I did win the lottery, I'm not certain that I'd spend the money on such a thing anyway.

There's a Fu Dog garden at the park that I visited today with my kids and my friend Beth. All the dogs are different, or at least to my eye they are. I'm not certain why, but I think this one is saying "Yeke!"

crop

2007-04-17T19:54:00.000-05:00

I was catching up with my 365 set on flickr (and by playing "catch-up" I think I defeat the whole picture a day concept) and liked the looks of my clavical (isn't that what this area is called?). Anyhow, I cropped it down to show just the one part. I got some sun today since I went for two walks in the glorious sun. One was just a typical mid-day walk to get me a few minutes out of the office, the other one was a meeting that we decided to take outside and we were able to walk around while we chatted about a project. Nice!

My Work Face

2007-04-14T08:04:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder how your co-workers see you? I decided to find out. It is, of course, very literal and gives no insight whatsoever into what they think of me.

Spring sprung, then went away

2007-04-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

With the sudden burst of warmth over a week ago, and the below freezing temps since then, my poor tulips are sad. They blossomed so quickly. One day they were barely breaking through the ground, then they were blooming. Then they were frozen.

Tulips are my favorite flower. They are simply beautiful. I love other flowers as well, don't get me wrong. Someday, I'd like to fall in love with a flower with a longer life-span than the tulip. If this were my private blog, I might write something at this point about how that sentiment could be applied to my life in general. And then I'd point out, to myself, about how far I've come. Thankfully, this isn't my private blog.

Long time no post

2007-04-06T19:49:00.000-05:00

I have been accused, on more than one occasion, of taking life too seriously. I have also been accused of not taking things as seriously as I should. Sometimes I feel like all I say to my kids is "no" or "don't" and I worry about that. Then I realize that I also say "yes" quite a bit and that we tend to have a lot of fun together. This shot is from a week or so ago. We were all getting ready to go to school/work. I opened the blinds at the front of the house, letting in a flood of intense spring sunlight that shone on the shades across the room. The shadows were so well defined that I had to grab my camera. Jasper jumped in to be part of the shadow play. Is that taking things seriously, or not seriously enough? No one was late. We had a little fun.

Sometimes

2007-03-26T20:39:00.000-05:00

Look at them, they look great. They smile, they play, they have fun, they are kind, thoughtful and confident. Here they are, on the playground, off to battle all the bad guys of the world. At least until someone scrapes their knees.

Relaxation

2007-03-23T07:53:00.000-05:00

I've taken this whole week off work, and it's been wonderful and has flown by too fast. I wish that I had something really exciting and wonderful to report here, but it's been really low-key. Yesterday I treated myself to what my hairdresser, Amy, was calling a day of beauty. It was supposed to start with a hair cut (and color, shhhh, don't tell anyone), but Amy needed to clear up a little problem with her driver's license, so the cut was pushed back. I had a 75 minute massage. It was amazing. Awesome. Wonderful. Worth every minute and every penny. When I look at this picture, I can feel how relaxed my whole body was. Aaaahhhh. Then came the hair stuff. Then the workout. Then the great dinner. Then the three hours of playing pool, getting progressively worse as the night went on. :)

loving it

2007-03-18T18:24:00.000-05:00

It's spring break, and I'm taking some days off. I had hoped to get out of town for a night or two, but that's not going to happen. Yesterday I went hiking at Turkey Run State Park. I happened to mention to Nav that I'd be going hiking and he invited himself along (a good thing, not an intrusive thing, just don't know how else to phrase it). I love hiking with him, because he looks up, down, left, right, all around and so we see more and enjoy more. Mar was busy studying and couldn't join us, but hopefully can come along next time. This is a view straight up, and it kind of captures a lot about the day. It was cloudy, then sunny. The trees grow on top of the rock formations and have really cool root structures that wrap around the rocks. Too bad this picture doesn't show more of the rocks. It was a great day: the kind that makes you say out loud what a wonderful thing life is and how great it is to be alive.

ART!

2007-03-18T18:22:00.001-05:00

Julia painted this at daycare on a brown paper bag, and as much as I love it, I'm not going to keep it. So, as they say, "take a picture, it lasts longer." : ) Most of her artwork these days is like this: broad swaths of color, swirled and surrounded by other colors.

spring weather

2007-03-12T19:42:00.000-05:00

Only three episodes of Dead Like Me left to watch, and I had to return the dvds to the library--the system wouldn't let me renew online. Stopped by today and checked them out again. But instead of sitting down and watching all three episodes, I looked outside at the big sun and the wonderful temp and decided to get out for a walk instead. So I headed to Meadowbrook park, which is a good place to walk (they have sidewalks) when all the green areas of town are mush from all the melting snow. Anywhos, it was wonderful. And on the way home, the sun was huge. My cameraphone couldn't quite capture the enormity of the beast, but I still think it looks cool. And it's hard to take a picture with a cameraphone while driving.

It's a fun house!

2007-03-10T19:44:00.000-06:00

In honor of the new, improved starting time for daylight savings, I turned all my clocks ahead before the kids went to bed just to help confuse them. (or maybe just to help confuse me? I dunno.) Anyhow, for the first time, I noticed that I can see my reflection in the chrome clock in the kitchen. Duh. But fun. Fun like in a fun house. I'm feeling rather giddy from the good weather we've had over the past two days. I love and hate that my mood can be so easily effected by my environment. And heaven help me if I spend too much time around people who drag me down. I'm powerless against it. Of course, that's why I try to spend more time with the great folks around me and tend to ditch those who are always talking about the things that they hate and the people who should just die. Seriously. I know people who talk like that.

365

2007-03-05T19:46:00.000-06:00

On Flickr, I was inspired (that might be too strong of a word) by other people's 365 sets, so I started one. All the pix are private so far, and some will stay that way forever most likely. Julia took this shot earlier tonight while we were at Tae Kwon Do. She was using my phone to take shots of her toys, of me, of the table, etc. I can't believe how skinny my wrist looks. On the bright side--I was reading Cooking Light and found several new recipes I want to try. Yum! I love food.

Ever have one of those days?

2007-03-02T18:56:00.000-06:00

The kind where, when you walk into a room, the people there start talking in code? Or they think they're talking in code, but either they're not as smart as they think they are, or you're not as dumb as they think you are, so you know that they're talking about something related to you? And this comes on the heels of other similar things and political doings of other coworkers? And, if you're like me, you start to wonder if it's all worth it. Most of the time I don't care that the 50-60 hours a week that I work go unnoticed. That others around me are praised just for showing up and staying awake (only a slight exaggeration there). But today, I'm just about ready to give up. And in a neato twist of events, I needed to test my tape deck (so I can take it in to work for one of the profs to use for a class), and the tape I grabbed was Circle by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians. "I quit. I give up. Nothings good enough for anybody else, it seems. And I quit. I give up. Nothings good enough for anybody else, it seems. and. and being alone is the best way to be. when I'm by myself it's the best way to be. when I'm all alone it's the best way to be. when I'm by myself nobody else can say goodbye." Yes. It was one of those days. Today, I've lost all perspective. And that's one of the few qualities of mine that I appreciate.I'm out of focus, and I'm pulling on my hair. I repeat: it. was. one. of. those. days.

p.s. Does it sound like I work in a junior high school? It sure feels that way sometimes.

Old clothes

2007-02-26T20:24:00.000-06:00

Some things, I just can't throw away. And while I have held on to a few pieces of clothing that I've had since high school, this sweatshirt, purchased my freshman year of college, is one of my favorite "oldies". Mr. Bubble makes me happy. If you can't read it, it says "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty." Almost.

Memory Lane

2007-02-20T19:34:00.000-06:00

I don't have any pets at the moment. I'd like to, but I guess I'm not ready for any sort of commitment right now.
Here's Michael:
The picture is from my place in Brooklyn, looking out over the back yard and the neighbors' houses. Michael was a hoot. He was part dog and would come running when you called his name. He'd get over half way to you, then detour at the last moment, right when he remembered he was a cat.

Here's Gracie:
Gracie is still alive, but living with the ex. She's the sweetest little pit bull mutt that you'd ever want to meet. She used to sit in my lap (on the floor, she wasn't allowed on the sofa). Not too smart, but such a kind dog. After the September 11th attacks I didn't make it home until late morning on the 12th. Gracie had been stuck in the house for well over 24 hours. When I let her out into the back yard so that she could go pee, she wouldn't leave my side. I miss her.

A case of the crazies

2007-02-18T15:35:00.000-06:00

When life starts crashing in around me, I tend to slink away. When I don't get away, and create time for myself, then I really start to feel like I'm going crazy. Well, I've felt on the brink, as it were, for a couple of weeks now, and have been trying to ignore it in hopes that the feeling would go away. Funny how that never seems to work. I guess that part of the problem is that I don't want to burden those around me with all the crapola swirling around in my head, so it just stays in there. And I am struggling with a lot right now. And most of it is hard to put into words. And I know that given a little more time, I will wrestle it to the ground and win over the crazies. In the meantime, today I got one step closer to winning the battle.

I made it out to Kickapoo State Park to go hiking. I suppose that I'm not the brightest bulb on the string because, while I knew that there would be tons of beautiful snow, I didn't really consider that the 14" of snow (plus drifting) that we got here, would also be the case at the park. (duh.) The smart people wore cross country skis. I was the only human foot tracks in the forest. On the plus side, that means that I had plenty of time to myself. The air was cold and brisk, the sun was shining, and there was glorious silence. There was also laughter from the sledders, snippets of conversations from the cross country skiers, birds calling out from overhead, and the sweet sound of my hiking boots sinking down so far into the snow that I was covered in the white stuff up to my knees. So now I'm thinking that next time I go out on a day like this, I might tie tennis rackets to my boots. Or rent snow shoes. Whatever.

snow, Snow SNow SNOW

2007-02-13T17:39:00.000-06:00

It just keeps piling up! The wind is awesome. The kids are home for a snow day, thank goodness. Even if I had been able to get them to school, I never would have been able to make it back to pick them up. I just heard that we've had only about 12 inches, with another 1-3 expected before the wind dies down, but it's the drifting that's causing me the greatest headache. Backache, actually. Given that I normally enjoy shoveling, this might be the only time I'll ever wish that I had kept the snow blower in the divorce.

from my son

2007-02-11T06:49:00.001-06:00

from my son, originally uploaded by Jen!!.

personal note to go with picture: my son (7) wrote this to me probably two months ago. Since he lives with me part time, on the days when he's not here, the note is a sweet reminder of him. It's in my kitchen, so I see it every day. Also in my kitchen is a prayer (if you will) that I read every day as well, and have for probably 4 or 5 years now: "I was angered for I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet." During the rough times in my marriage, when I felt like no matter how hard I tried I just wasn't doing well enough--not loving enough, not generous enough, simply not enough --whatever it was that I was believing was wrong with me (and always wrong with me, never wrong with him--oh wait, this shit is supposed to go in my private blog. sorry.), anyhow, the prayer helped to keep me focused on all the wonderful gifts in my life.

My little birdy

2007-02-01T19:37:00.000-06:00

We haven't had much snow so far this winter, so when we got about 3" two weeks ago, the kids were outside in a flash to have a snowball fight and build a snowman. The snowman turned out more like a short, stout snow ghost, but it's pretty cute. You can see it on Flickr here. It had melted a little already when Jasper added the raisin eyes, nose, mouth and buttons, but it wasn't so much bigger to begin with. I love snow.

I don't do new years resolutions

2007-01-27T12:04:00.000-06:00

But I would like to look closer to this by the time swimsuit season rolls around.

I'm not really certain how to do it while still keeping up my most excellent drinking skills as of late, but maybe if I continue doing more exercises in both the AM and the PM, I'll get part way there. (I won't be unrealistic about this--clearly the model for this statue was younger than I am, and I doubt that she's popped out two kids. Which is to say: this is a quasi-goal--I don't want to look just like this. I love food too darn much for that. I just want to get closer to it.)

My oldest niece

2007-01-01T20:03:00.000-06:00

Kellie is hysterical. She's sweet, funny, kind, patient, and 4. She loves purple. She's smart and a great conversationalist. She could probably correctly use "conversationalist" in a sentence. While you can't see her face in this shot, I love it. She's singing into a microphone she got for Christmas. This girl has an amazing future doing anything she wants to do. Don't believe everything you hear about redheads.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T06:53:00.000-06:00

A picture from Christmas eve:

It was looking like a white Christmas, but the foggy kind of white, not the snowy kind. The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds a little bit. (Drive a few miles in any direction and you'd be out of the sun again.) The holidays, even with my kids out of town, remain a warm and wonderful time for me. I feel at peace. And I'm thankful for so much right now, and the clarity with which I can see all the wonderful things around me is itself a gift.

Christmas Fun

2006-12-21T20:29:00.000-06:00

We celebrated Christmas this morning since the kids leave for North Carolina with their father tomorrow. Since I still haven't really figured out my new camera, I didn't get too many shots. Here's a silly one of the kids together.

Peace

2006-12-15T21:45:00.000-06:00

I love the look on Jasper's face. I've detailed before how hard it is to capture this boy. Now that I've captured something that I love, I find it hard to say why I love it so much. The enthusiasm? The pure joy? Julia's hand trying to steal the show? Nah, not the last thing.

I'm so excited

2006-12-14T09:56:00.001-06:00

I ordered a new camera. It's on the UPS truck now. I'm on pins and needles waiting for it. : )

Holiday card picture

2006-12-04T18:29:00.000-06:00

Several years ago, when the Jim Carrey movie version of The Grinch came out, my brother bought me a nearly life-size Grinch. (I *may* have a *thing* for Mr. Carrey. At least I used to.) I loved it instantly. It has been part of the picture that gets sent with the holiday card every year since then. This year is no exception. This is not the shot being sent with the cards, but a close runner up. I love how the kids are playing with the green guy. The second shot is what the Grinch looked like when all the photos were done. Is that a smile on his face, or a look of acquiescence?

Fun surprises

2006-11-25T20:46:00.000-06:00

Maybe nifty is a better word? While hiking in Kickapoo, Nav and Mar spotted two faces in the trees. Not the faces that you can buy at any store these days, but nifty, fun ones. Ones that make you feel special just because you get to look at them. Because you found them. I don't think I would have spotted them had I been hiking by myself. Both were spotted when someone turned around to talk to someone in the back. The whole day was wonderful. There is so much more that I could say about what was so great about today. This day. But this might be one of those times where it's better to just roll up all the wondrousness (is that a word?) and keep it to myself.

Places I've been

2006-11-19T15:48:00.000-06:00

Well, this map had me a little disturbed at how little of the world I've traveled:

And this one had me feeling a little bit better at how much of the US I've seen:

And both make me think about the places I'd like to go. This list is long, so I should get started soon. Besides a full tank of gas, a change of clothes and a hundred CDs, what else does a girl need?

Nov. 26 update: I see that I missed a couple of states that I've been to when I made the map. I realize that this little factoid isn't all that important. Don't know why I'm bothering to make this note. Also can't quite figure out why I'm not erasing it. Cause then it wouldn't be me?

doing better

2006-11-16T10:12:00.000-06:00

I don't have a handy photo to express that I'm doing better, so instead I'll revisit a calm, peaceful memory. Vermont. 2001. Summer. Vermont is on the long list of places that I want to get back to, but there are also so many places I haven't been where I'd like to go first. First? I don't know. This life thing sure can be confusing sometimes.